Just keep swimming?

I am tired and overwhelmed. Being aware and caring about others in this moment of American (and world) history is both terrifying and exhausting. And I say that acknowledging the position of relative privilege I occupy. My concern, grief, hurt, fear, worry and anger is largely for the effects of current and future policies on other people, some of whom are friends and family, colleagues and acquaintances, some of whom are strangers.

I have been frustrated to find that my natural resiliency is severely depleted. Personal challenges whether emotional, physical or mental take more out of me or longer to move past than ever. I berate myself for this perceived weakness before I remember (or am reminded by loving friends) to apply the same grace to myself that I give others. When I see someone else struggling to make meaning amidst the aggressive injustices we are faced with in politics, church or day to day life and lamenting their inability to “push though” hard moments I am quick to encourage rest, self-care and self-love. But when I am the one struggling, barely keeping my head above water and feeling guilt at both being overwhelmed and not engaging as I feel I should/can/must the only grace I often find for myself is the dubious encouragement that I can somehow find a way. I am an overly optimistic cheerleader blithely ignoring reality to counsel myself to just keep swimming. While this is not helpful, neither is the other extreme where I sometimes find myself – just keep floating (maybe abandoning the subtle Dory reference I should switch to an ostrich with her head in the sand?).

So a quick goole search corrected me - ostriches do not, in fact, hide their heads in the sand when faced with danger. Sorry, bird friends. And so I present you with a picture of an aggressive ostrich I encountered in South Africa who chased our vehicle for quite a while and tried to take a bite out of me more than once. Perhaps that is an apt metaphor to be used in here somewhere??

Sometimes I have found that although I still berate myself, another way I respond to the overwhelm is to withdraw completely – which results in more self-recrimination and so the spiral continues. Community is such a key element to finding grace for myself and also building a consistent way of being that helps me find that balance between self-denial and self-indulgence. Being a part of loving communities has helped me be accountable to using my gifts, abilities, privilege and power in the ways I am called to while also paying attention to the needs of my mind, body and spirit. It is a difficult balance, but so much of the Christian walk is finding that middle ground and constantly correcting ourselves when we veer to one side or another.

Recently, we wrapped up our book group discussing Sabbath as Resistance. This text in particular and almost all of Walter Brueggemann’s books have been instrumental in guiding me to and through this narrow way. And the amazing people who participated in the discussion week by week were another huge blessing! In addition, John Mark Comer’s The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry has also been a helpful companion text. I know books are not how everyone likes to get information or learn about a given topic but for me they are usually my first stop. I am so thankful to those who have studied, experienced and researched and chosen to share it all in written form!

So all of this to share a hopefully encouraging word that, no it is not you the world is in fact really hard right now and it is okay, and even important, to feel that. Community and giving grace to myself in these challenging times are what is getting me through and helping me find pockets of hope amidst the madness.