In the previous two blogs, I explored the gap in compassion we form and how to close it when we are seeking to love our neighbor as ourselves. In this blog, I’ll explore a major hurdle to loving our neighbor as ourselves and how to try and avoid it.

An important part of compassion is seeing ourselves in our neighbor. Then we can relate to them and share in their pain. However, a shadow side of this is to project ourselves onto our neighbor. This is where we take our perspectives, preferences, and desires and assume they are shared by other people. For example, there was a couple who had been married for many years. Every time the wife was sick the husband would make her burnt toast. The wife hated burnt toast and was frustrated that her husband would give it to her each time she was sick. After years of confusion, the wife finally complains to the husband about receiving burnt toast. The husband is very apologetic and explains that he loves burnt toast. When he is sick, that is what he wants. You see the issue don’t you, no, not that she waited years to bring it up, though it does speak to a communication challenge. But that the husband projected himself and his desires onto his wife. It turns out his attempt to love her well failed because her desires did not match his. In other words, she was not just like him.

I’m sure we can all relate to this story in some way. Maybe you were sharing a problem and the other person jumped to trying to solve it. Unfortunately, you were just looking to share and you ended up not feeling heard or understood. Or maybe you have been the person jumping to a solution. I know I have been on both sides of this with my own relationships. Yet some ideas and approaches can help us avoid the error of projecting onto others what we want or think they want.

In Stephen Covey’s book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he lays out the idea of seeking first to understand, and then to be understood. This principle is easy to grasp, hard to do, and yet extremely effective when trying to love other people well. Instead of getting your point across first or rushing to solutions. You stop and seek to understand the other person first. Ask them questions about why they see things the way they do. What experiences and ideas contributed to their thinking? What do they think you are missing perhaps? Listen to them. Not to respond. But simply to listen first! Then, once you have listened and grasped their point of view, stood in their shoes if you will, you are better equipped to express your own point or perspective. This is useful in relationships, evangelism, crossing cultural boundaries, and beyond in addressing societal problems. As opposed to coming with certainty and solutions, we should try to come with curiosity and seeking connection.

But doesn’t Jesus’ words of “Love your neighbor as yourself” set us up to project ourselves onto our neighbor? And isn’t the golden rule, ‘treat other people as you would want to be treated?’ I don’t believe Jesus meant for us to love others exactly how we love ourselves. Jesus didn’t mean to love others according to our preferences and desires. Instead, he meant to love them with the same commitment to and effort we have in loving ourselves. Our own self-love is implied. But what we don’t inherently act on as dependably, is the interests of other people, especially their actual interests, instead of what we think they want/need. If we did, the Bible wouldn’t have to tell us so often to look out for others.

One of my favorite passages on this theme is Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV) – Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

That is the way that Jesus loved us, self-sacrificially. He also did not stay far off but became one of us. Jesus’ incarnation, God becoming a man, is a powerful example and model for loving others well. Jesus can relate to us because he struggled in all the ways we do. We would benefit from really entering into the struggle of others as he did.

Clarifying what Jesus meant by ‘Loving our neighbor as yourself’ helps us to avoid projecting onto our neighbors. However, with some hesitation, I do recommend a change to the golden rule. ‘Treat other people as you would want to be treated, if you were them.’ This would place more emphasis on understanding and less on the actions that we like to receive ourselves.

This blog focused more on how projection onto neighbors impacts personal relationships. My next and final blog in the series will consider how this impacts systems and responses to societal challenges.